10/5

I'm pretty sure this is gonna be a weird post, but here goes another free write based on some stuff I thought of earlier today.

I would consider myself a fairly calculating and (usually) observant person. Sometimes, this used to come out in strange ways. Okay, I lied, it still does sometimes, but that's irrelevant.

In high school, I ran cross country and track for four years. Because of this, I would often end up running alone at night when it finally cooled off (a little bit). Sometimes I would be running and see someone ahead of me. By see, I mean, I would see a silhouette when I got about 20 feet away. Now, as some of you know, unlike my current impressive stature and body of rippling muscle, I was very scrawny in high school due to running ~40 miles a week.Anyways, I would be coming up behind these silhouettes, and often, I would start to think about what I would do if they pulled a knife on me. I mean, at this point, I'd already run a couple miles, and I wasn't a sprinter. I mean, it's not like I was afraid they would, or even that I thought it was likely. It was just a 'what if...?' thing. If nothing else, it was a way to keep my mind occupied while I was running.

Yes, I realize this is strange, but I'm going to one-up myself. I also used to sometimes think about what would happen if someone I loved died (sidenote: I'm sorry. I'm not much of one for euphemisms). Like, what would I do, if, right now, I got a phone call from somebody telling me that one of my brothers got in a car wreck? What if my dad got kicked in the head by a cow (not outlandish, he's a large animal vet)? What if something happened to my mom? Have you ever thought about things like this, or am I just crazy? Don't get me wrong, by no means are these death threats or wishes. They're just 'what if...?'s.

But ya know what? Nothing can prepare you for news like that. Nothing. In all my 'what if...?'s, my reaction always included doing something, having a responsive action. What did I do when it actually happened? Nothing. I sat. I mourned. I did nothing. That's how I reacted, and even now, I sometimes wonder why I didn't do anything. Then again, what else could I have done?

Over those next two weeks before I left the state, I learned some things about myself and others. In hindsight, it was an interesting fortnight.

What's the point of this? There isn't one. These are thoughts. There's no point, and not really any rhyme or reason, either.

Thanks.