Those next two weeks were kinda ridiculous. I mean, I was already going through a large change in life by moving ten hours away and starting college. On top of that, I abruptly lost one of my best friends. Through those two weeks, I finished up my summer job, put in some final family time, and (attempted) to pack my life into my parents hatchback; however, especially for the first week, most of my time was spent just being in community with other people that had known Joel. Most of these people, I'd gone to high school (or earlier) with for years, but I hadn't necessarily hang out with them much. We just sat. We talked. We lived, but for some of us, only because we were still breathing. We didn't really do anything. We literally spent hours on the roof of a friend's house.
Now, in my last post (the "introduction"), I said that I'd learned from this experience. I think the most obvious thing I learned is that there is no preparation for this, especially when blindsided by it. I also learned a little about other people.
As I observed people around me, I learned a little about how people cope with grief. For a few of them, it was fairly clear that the 5 (or 7, depending on where you look) stages of grief. For some others, it seemed like the most beneficial thing was to try to completely forget about it, while still others only wanted to talk about memories and do their best not to forget. Some seemed to not even care what we did, as long as they were with people. It's interesting how different we all are in all these different aspects of life. We all process differently, whether it be learning, happiness, or grief.
As for me? Well, I'm not really sure. I think I was mostly under the category where I just wanted to be with people, distract myself, pretend nothing had happened. Was this healthy? I don't know, but that's what I had wanted at the time. I just wanted to be with people.
As I write this, I lose my train of thought, especially because I started this a couple weeks ago. I apologize. I want to hit another idea a little bit though (and if you want me to expound on any part, let me know, and I'll try).
This past week, we had a chapel speaker who was very passionate, and at one point, he said something with a lot of truth. "Hurt really hurts." Well, duh, right? The thing is, he's absolutely right. Hurt really hurts. It sounds so simple, but we all seem to forget it. We all try to make things right when we know someone that's hurting, but there's not always something we can do. Hurt really hurts. Also somewhat related, is an article I recently received in my e-mail. In it, the author is talking about handling loss, and goes on to relate an experience and sentiment that his friend had following a loss. His friend told him, "If I hear one more person say, 'God needed her more in Heaven,' I'm going to knock them out." Ya know what? I think that's a fairly universal feeling. Regardless of truth, not many people really want to hear that. Most people, and I think I can count myself among them, are just kinda pissed off at that point. People want to be able to hurt, and I'm not sure if it's something that should be taken away from someone. Hurt is not all bad.
And so I digress. Again, it turned into a scatter-brained freewrite (at least, that's what it seems like to me). Thanks. Suggestions/comments/questions/scathing remarks all welcome.
Now, in my last post (the "introduction"), I said that I'd learned from this experience. I think the most obvious thing I learned is that there is no preparation for this, especially when blindsided by it. I also learned a little about other people.
As I observed people around me, I learned a little about how people cope with grief. For a few of them, it was fairly clear that the 5 (or 7, depending on where you look) stages of grief. For some others, it seemed like the most beneficial thing was to try to completely forget about it, while still others only wanted to talk about memories and do their best not to forget. Some seemed to not even care what we did, as long as they were with people. It's interesting how different we all are in all these different aspects of life. We all process differently, whether it be learning, happiness, or grief.
As for me? Well, I'm not really sure. I think I was mostly under the category where I just wanted to be with people, distract myself, pretend nothing had happened. Was this healthy? I don't know, but that's what I had wanted at the time. I just wanted to be with people.
As I write this, I lose my train of thought, especially because I started this a couple weeks ago. I apologize. I want to hit another idea a little bit though (and if you want me to expound on any part, let me know, and I'll try).
This past week, we had a chapel speaker who was very passionate, and at one point, he said something with a lot of truth. "Hurt really hurts." Well, duh, right? The thing is, he's absolutely right. Hurt really hurts. It sounds so simple, but we all seem to forget it. We all try to make things right when we know someone that's hurting, but there's not always something we can do. Hurt really hurts. Also somewhat related, is an article I recently received in my e-mail. In it, the author is talking about handling loss, and goes on to relate an experience and sentiment that his friend had following a loss. His friend told him, "If I hear one more person say, 'God needed her more in Heaven,' I'm going to knock them out." Ya know what? I think that's a fairly universal feeling. Regardless of truth, not many people really want to hear that. Most people, and I think I can count myself among them, are just kinda pissed off at that point. People want to be able to hurt, and I'm not sure if it's something that should be taken away from someone. Hurt is not all bad.
And so I digress. Again, it turned into a scatter-brained freewrite (at least, that's what it seems like to me). Thanks. Suggestions/comments/questions/scathing remarks all welcome.
First off: The thing that struck me most about this post was the right to hurt. That right to feel something. That's something I've questioned a lot for myself and for people in general. And sometimes, drawing that line between justified hurt and self-pity is pretty darned blurred. That said, it's 2 A.M. and my brain is starting to do weird things, so I'm afraid I'm not sure where I was going with this, or whether I was going somewhere at all (contrary to my own blog sentiments).
ReplyDeleteAnyways; another aspect I liked was the same but different idea. Same grief, different ways of dealing with it. In a good sort of different. Sure, you could argue that same but different has become cliche. But the thing is, it's so true.
Thanks for posting this. I think it's really important that we're honest with ourselves and the people that we're with in these situations...and I think it helped that there was such an awesome community that was so supportive as well as strongly founded in Christ. I don't really have a whole lot more to add, but I wanted to let you know that I read this and I'm glad you wrote it. :)
ReplyDeleteZac,
ReplyDeleteI have a few questions for you, then a comment. Who did you lose? And how do you normally express your pain/hurt?
Now for my comment:
I completely agree that hurt is not all bad. To be able to overcome something you must be able to hurt, but Proverbs 15:13-14 says this:
"A glad heart makes a cheerful countenance, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is broken. The mind of him who has understanding, seeks knowledge, inquires after and craves it, but the mouths of (self-confident) fools feed on folly."
In these verses in Proverbs we find a comparison between a merry heart and a sorrowful heart. Verse 13 tells us that you can tell the condition of a man's heart by looking at his countenance(his facial appearance). When people are happy, you can tell by the sparkle in their eyes, their smile and their cheerful attitude. Facial looks reveal a lot about a person.
You can also read on a person's face when they have sorrow in their heart, especially when you know a person. We have all experienced someone saying to us, when we were troubled about something, "What is wrong? Are you worried about something?" We all have experiences in our lives that cause us to be broken-hearted about an incident. The scripture tells us that if we allow this sorrow of heart to continue, it can break our spirits.
How can we get past heart break over the loss of someone or something? We must give the person or situation to the Lord and ask Him to remove the sorrow and grief from our hearts. We can keep the good memories of a lost loved one, but we must not allow the enemy to torment us with the grief of our loss. God will replace the emptiness we feel from the loss of a mate, a child, a friend, or a home, if we ask Him to do this. Jesus died on the cross, not only to give us eternal life, but He also died to take our grief and sorrows. Jesus Christ, on the cross bore all of our iniquities, pain, sickness and sorrow. Since He took them, we do not have to take these things, but rather receive our salvation, healing, deliverance and peace by faith.
In answer to your question, I will point you to a post I wrote back in June: http://zacbaker.blogspot.com/2011/06/birthday-party.html
ReplyDeleteYou bring up many very good points, mainly being that we must not hurt forever. To be honest, after I finished this post up and crawled into bed, I wished I had pursued the "post hurt" part of this (or at least mentioned it). I realized that I had left it as an open-ended timeline of hurt. I had no intention of doing that. My point was more that hurt is healthy. What I failed to elaborate on was the part where you can't hurt indefinitely. I absolutely agree with you on that.
After reading the post "birthday-party", I was a little overwhelmed. I have had my experience with loss, but I do not think it could compare to losing your best friend. Not only that, but right before you moved to an entirely different state where you would have no one to comfort you. That's hard! Were you able to find a good friend when you started school? What's the rest to this story? Joel's death did not just stop there. How are you now?
ReplyDelete